Happiness is just a temporary morphine in my life...

just like morphine and any other drugs, my happiness, runs out very quickly. and just like every other drugs, my happiness is harder to achieve everytime. i try my best to keep positive and sound/act happy in front of people. try n cover it all. when i do, i forget about all the hardship in my life right now. i guess that's good. but when they start say i have an issue.... like telling them they have a problem or negative things to correct...or giving a suggestion like telling my brother to get a job...they don't even listen... they say human equality exists...every person has the right of say and to be heard of... apparently i'm the exception from that rule.

i was yelled at yesterday for not telling them that i grabbed a drink with julian...first they accused me of meeting you and wasting time... he was getting mad when it was me who should have felt furious. but instead...i was calm... $600... its a large amount of money... come to think of it... every single penny of my pay went straight into paying the telus phone bills... 300 and 600... and out of the 900... 50 was the amount of my bill...
bell, credit card, hydro... all paid from my last pay...they don't understand how serious that phone bill was...

that 600 was sent over to a collection agency...which means they'll use law to force me to pay if i didn't listen. If i hadn't paid this off i would have been standing in a court...defending myself...no... defending my name which i didn't use...when i tell them that, they just ignored how serious it was... brother kept telling me to not pay the full amount... i wonder why he said it...sounded like he wanted the money to go waste it on something again...he was hiding something. well he won't have access to my card anymore...i will be more strict in terms of money. i won't let him borrow money unless he gives me all the detail of what he did with his money...

and yet.. even with all that, i don't know why.. but i still called telus to ask if i can revive the old phone of my brother's... so i can give it to him... what a retard i am... after spending a few hours on the phone with my dearest and the most beautiful person in my life i was a happy little fellow... then here we are today... I was told to stop saying anything about my brother... my dad told me that on the way to work... he said that i was cornering my brother and we're building up anger... why doesn't anyone understand me.. if i didn't give a rats ass about my brother do you think i would have paid 300 to keep this new phone alive? and also lie to my dad that he only spent 100 not 250 this month? so he doesnt get yelled at? in the car, as i was tellin him... he couldnt say anything either.. cuz he also knows that i am right... uh... but i don't know what it is... i'm not mad... but as i spoke to him, i had silent tears just flowing down my cheeks...i felt so sad that no one ever listens to me and no one understands all the pain i have to go through... covering up things so this little feud doesn't escalate into somethign bigger... my dad threatens that one day he'll just leave us forever or commit suicide... if i didn't keep him sane, he would... my mom's on the ohter side of the world in so much pain just being away wit us... these two don't understand how hard my works and what kind of shit she has to deal with...i know... i know cuz i've been right beside her every summer i was there. i love you mother and i miss you very much right now. they've never seen any of that. i don't want to add more stress to her. my heart feels so heavy. i don't even want to yell at them or scream at them anymore... is this what you call being trained not to be able to speak? i think if you can analyze every drop of tear that flows down my cheeks.. i think then, someone may understand... uh.. i'm not making proper sentences... i bet i don't make sense but watever... i should read more books...

why can't i stop crying right now. i know they're just being sarcastic here at work. what the fuck do they think i am.. a retard? they don't fucking trust me cuz i'm still young. i know more fuckign shit than most computer technician bullshit. i fix all your fucking problems and save you hundreds of fuckign dollars... ugh.. why do i feel so weak and useless... i'm just crying... and i can't stop... i'm so sorry jenny for swearing... i want to call mom.. but i feel so sad... and i dont want to stress her out... i don't know what to do...i think i want to and tell her.. i want to talk to someone that understands all the hardship our family goes through...

if i just take a step back and think... i'm 19... i have more than 25k of debt... bad credit... and a terrible family relation... i get yelled at... i have to do everything... the only sole income cuz the rest of them cant or isnt trying to get a job... wow my life is pathetic..i always hoped that one day, i would live like all those rich kids.. .have my own car during highschool or university...have money to go out with and everything. if i work, i can save it and use it however way i want it without being told what not to do... i wish i can spend hundreds of dollars  without having to think about how i will pay off our family's debt... but here i am right now...with none of that... instead...just breaking down like a loser...

i should end this here and start work...

i hope i can speak with you real soon...

i love you my angel...